


turn the page

by artenon



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-07
Updated: 2015-12-07
Packaged: 2018-05-05 10:48:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5372546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artenon/pseuds/artenon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes time just keeps passing and there is no closure.</p>
            </blockquote>





	turn the page

**Author's Note:**

> i'm so sorry i'm really truly very sorry this is the first fic i'm posting in months. i've had this WIP for like 6 months and SOME PEOPLE [looks at twitter] love pain so i finally finished it and HERE YA GO
> 
> i didn't even know what else to tag this. i'm sorry.

Here’s how it starts: Kuroo Tetsurou is ten years old when he sees a volleyball game on television. He watches the rapid back-and-forth of the volleyball, amazed at how all the players on each team seem to be perfectly in sync with each other, and finds himself clapping as one of the players dives and makes a near save. He jumps from his seat on the couch and cheers when another player slams the ball down to the other side of the court. The crowd in the TV is roaring. Tetsurou’s heart is racing and his grin is so broad and _he wants to do that_.

But he can’t do it alone. Tetsurou’s next-door neighbor, Kenma, is always by himself, and Tetsurou’s been trying to find some game they can play together. Tetsurou asks his mom to buy him a volleyball and convinces Kenma to come out to play with him, just a few passes. He thinks for the first few days Kenma is just humoring him, but sometimes he has this look that makes Tetsurou think maybe he’s actually having fun, and they play until it’s dark and their moms are calling them in for dinner.

Kenma likes setting, because he doesn’t have to run and jump around as much. That’s fine with Tetsurou; he doesn’t care which position he plays, so long as he gets to.

 

He thinks, a few years later when they’re both on their middle school team, that maybe what he likes is having teammates to depend on and being dependable for his teammates. In volleyball, even when it’s just him and Kenma playing in the yard, he’s never alone.

Tetsurou’s family is loving but busy, and he has no siblings. Sooner than he realizes, his team becomes his second family.

 

Here’s how it goes: Kuroo Tetsurou is seventeen when he meets Tsukishima Kei, who could be great at volleyball but doesn’t try as hard as he could. It’s obvious that he pulls the minimum weight in games. He shrugs off extra practice even when help is offered. He’s clever, but his physical strength and technique aren’t on par, and he doesn’t seem interested in improving.

They get off on the wrong foot (Tetsurou’s ends up in his mouth), but then Tsukishima gives him a second chance when he comes to the third gymnasium of his own volition and asks why they try as hard as they do.

Tetsurou listens as Bokuto explains about his own frustrations with volleyball, about how he practiced his straight spike until it became usable. How amazing and powerful he felt the first time he used it in a real match. That moment was all it took to get him hooked on volleyball. It’s a pretty riveting answer, the sort of inspiring stuff you would expect from someone who’s been to nationals. Even Tsukishima, for all the disinterest he displays, seems caught up in it.

“What about you?” Tsukishima asks Tetsurou. “Did you have ‘that moment’?”

“Hmm.” Tetsurou scratches the back of his head, unable to think of any specific experience to relate. His life feels much less spectacular, no life-changing epiphanies or anything like that to offer. “Of course, it’s always satisfying to successfully block a spike, but…” He shrugs. “Does it matter if you’re not ‘the best’?”

Tsukishima simply stares at him.

“I mean, as long as you’re doing ‘your best,’ then that’s good enough, right?”

“Is it good enough?” Tsukishima asks. “You’re wasting all that effort, knowing you’re going to lose in the end because there’s always someone better, someone stronger.” He doesn’t give Tetsurou a chance to respond before he continues, sounding like he’s said all this before, or maybe thought it to himself a thousand times, “I’m sorry, but it’s next to impossible to become ‘the best.’ I would say it’s not worth the effort to even try. Despite that, you still try so hard, and I don’t understand. What’s the point? How have you not given up?”

Tetsurou ponders it. “I don’t know,” he says. “It looks like we just have fundamentally different views of the sport. For me, I guess it’s because I’ve loved volleyball since I was a kid.” Tsukishima’s mouth twists at that, but he doesn’t say anything, so Tetsurou says, “Of course I’m gonna try my hardest to win, but in the end my favorite part is just playing with my team and doing our best together.”

“Always the sentimental one, huh, Kuroo,” Bokuto says, draping his arm over his shoulders.

“Oh, shut up,” Tetsurou says, pushing him off, but he smiles fondly. Practice matches with Fukurodani, with _Bokuto_ , are his favorite, too. “Losing is frustrating,” he tells Tsukishima. “It’s incredibly frustrating, but that doesn’t mean I’m just going to give up. Instead of being afraid of failure, you should use it as motivation to get better.”

“That’s just what he tells himself to cope with losing to me,” Bokuto says in a stage whisper. Tetsurou shoves him again, and Bokuto laughs, then turns on Tsukishima. “So, since I answered your question, you’ll block for me, right?”

“Yeah, come on,” Tetsurou says, grinning and tugging on Tsukishima’s arm—he protests for only a moment before relenting.

Tsukishima seems a bit subdued for the rest of the night, but he shows up again to practice every night after, and Tetsurou hopes that means that they said something right.

 

They become something like friends, or at least that’s what Tetsurou wants to think. He’s not so sure Tsukishima feels the same way, because the process mostly consists of Tetsurou striking up conversation with him whenever he gets the chance, even if it’s not during their nightly practice matches, and Tsukishima giving him clipped responses.

Tsukishima’s friend, Yamaguchi, seems pretty happy when Tetsurou casually wanders in their general direction even if Tsukishima doesn’t.

“Thank you for helping Tsukki with his blocking!” he says.

Tetsurou looks at Tsukishima, unable to hide his smile. “Tsukki?”

He can’t help it; it’s just so _cute_ , as is the way Tsukishima’s cheeks are faintly pink.

“Shut up, Yamaguchi,” he mutters.

Tetsurou directs his smile to Yamaguchi. “According to the Shorty, it’s you I have to thank for having Tsukki—” Tsukishima interrupts with an audible groan. “—to practice with. Say—you’re the pinch server, right? I saw a video of your match against Seijou.”

Yamaguchi seems to hunch in on himself. “Y-yeah…”

Tetsurou claps him on the shoulder. “Hey, don’t worry about it! How about I help you practice a few serves later?”

“Really?” Yamaguchi asks, eyes wide.

“Yeah! Jump floaters aren’t my specialty, but I can try and help you out a bit.”

Yamaguchi’s excited grin and thanks makes Tetsurou really happy, but it’s nothing compared to how the little smile he catches on Tsukishima’s face makes him feel.

 

Tetsurou’s beginning to think that friends isn’t all he wants to be with Tsukishima.

 

Tsukishima makes Tetsurou laugh. Tsukishima delivers blatant taunts a lot, but it’s when he cracks the subtle jokes, delivered deadpan, that Tetsurou loses it. Tetsurou’s friends stare at him, but it’s hilarious, and as Tetsurou struggles to catch his breath he thinks, _Man, I really like being around you._

And when _Tsukishima_ laughs after Tetsurou makes a really bad pun that leaves everyone else rolling their eyes but causes Tsukishima to hide a giggle behind his hand, that’s when Tetsurou thinks, _Wow, I really want to kiss you._

He doesn’t, of course, but he thinks about it. A lot. (Especially when the sunlight catches Tsukishima just right and Tetsurou realizes he’s not just beautiful, he’s breathtaking.)

 

Tsukishima Kei, Tetsurou realizes, is a boy with a cold shell around him, but through the cracks shines the most brilliant light Tetsurou has ever seen. He wants to close his eyes and bask in that light.

 _Why can’t we be on the same team?_ Tetsurou wonders when he’s alone with his thoughts at night, surrounded by the rest of Nekoma, fast asleep. _I want to see you every day. Why do you have to leave soon?_

 

“You’re pining,” Kenma says.

“Am not.”

“Are too.”

“Am not.”

“Are too.”

“ _You’re_ pining,” Tetsurou shoots back, pointing at Hinata, and Kenma’s face goes red and he tries to push his arm down.

“Am not.”

“Are too.”

 

Tetsurou pulls Tsukishima out for a walk during one of their breaks. Tsukishima agrees because, “Being around my teammates all the time is exhausting anyway.” When they pass a flower shop, Tetsurou gets an idea and asks Tsukishima to wait while he goes inside.

He comes back out and presses a flower into Tsukishima’s hand.

“Um,” Tsukishima says.

“It’s a chrysanthemum,” Tetsurou says. “It means ‘you’re a wonderful friend.’”

Tsukishima blushes, and Tetsurou’s stomach does about fifty jumping jacks.

“You’re so embarrassing,” Tsukishima says, but his voice is almost fond. “Thank you.”

Tetsurou just about dies right there.

 

Tetsurou thinks about asking Tsukishima out a dozen times a day. Everything about him just makes him fall more. His jokes. Those little smiles, rare. A repository of random trivia (he knows an awful lot about pro volleyball for someone who claims not to care; he also knows a _lot_ about dinosaurs). _Star Wars_ references that make Tetsurou grin so wide his cheeks hurt.

They’re in sync when they play their nightly three-on-three games in the third gymnasium. They’re in sync off-court, when Tetsurou falls in step beside Tsukishima and they slip easily into conversation.

Despite this, Tetsurou can never ask any of the things he really wants to: _Go out with me? Do you want to get a coffee together sometime? How would you feel about holding my hand?_

He always holds back. The words die on his tongue.

He’s turning eighteen soon. He’ll be going to college. He knows what people would think of their relationship. When he imagines he can hear their accusing whispers in their mind, he can’t help but wonder.

 _Would_ he be taking advantage of Tsukishima? He seems strong-willed and weak-willed in turns, and Tetsurou knows himself. He knows he can be overbearing sometimes. Maybe Tsukishima would feel pressured into saying yes. Maybe he would be unhappy, and it would be Tetsurou’s fault.

That’s why (and only that, certainly not because Tsukishima makes Tetsurou feel too breathless and shy to ask him out himself), if anything were to start between them, it would have to be Tsukishima to initiate. And then it’s a moot point anyway, since Tsukishima almost definitely doesn’t view Tetsurou as anything more than a mentor, a person to be respected but not necessarily liked—definitely not as anything more than friends, anyway.

So he keeps laughing at Tsukishima’s jokes and tries to make him smile with his own, and leaves it at that.

 

It’s the end of the summer training camp. As Karasuno boards the bus to go back home, Tetsurou hands Tsukishima a flower.

“What’s this one mean?”

“It’s an azalea,” Tetsurou says. “It means ‘good luck.’” He grins crookedly. “See you at nationals?”

Tsukishima looks at the flower in his hand, then at Tetsurou. “Probably not,” he says. Hesitates. “But you never know.”

Tetsurou sticks his hands into his pockets to keep from reaching out to him. “That’s more like it,” he says with a wink.

He watches the bus take off and feels his smile drop from his face. He kicks rocks while he walks back to the gym, and his heart feels heavy because he wasn’t brave enough to tell Tsukishima what an azalea actually means— _take care of yourself for me_.

 

Here’s how it goes: They don’t meet on the national stage, but they have their own “Battle of the Trash Heap” anyway, in Nekoma’s gym.

And then it’s time to say goodbye for the last time—at least for the ones who are graduating. The other third years are crying. Tetsurou’s own throat feels tight. He shakes hands with Sawamura and ruffles Hinata’s hair.

He hesitates before Tsukishima, wondering what’s allowed, but then Tsukishima surprises Tetsurou by hugging him tightly.

“Thanks,” Tsukishima mumbles. “For—well, everything.”

It’s not often that Tetsurou is at a loss for words.

“I—of course,” he says, wrapping his arms around Tsukishima and squeezing. The tears finally build up in his eyes and blur his vision.

Tsukishima exhales against his neck. It’s a little shaky.

 _Tell him how you feel_ , Tetsurou urges himself. _I like you. I don’t want this to be goodbye. I want to keep seeing you. I like you. I really like you. I want us to be a team, you and I. I want to depend on you. I want you to depend on me._

But Tetsurou is just a captain from a different school. A mentor. Respected, but not liked—at least, not in the way he wishes for.

There’s no way Tsukishima likes him back. Tsukishima is quiet and calm and smart. Tetsurou is loud and annoying and basically pestered Tsukishima into being friends with him. There’s no reason to sour what will probably be their last encounter with what will most likely be an awkward confession followed by an equally awkward rejection.

When Tsukishima pulls away, Tetsurou clears his throat, blinks the tears away, and smiles.

Tsukishima smiles back, and Tetsurou’s breath gets caught in his throat.

_I don’t want this to be goodbye._

“See you around,” Tetsurou says.

 

Karasuno goes home to Miyagi and Tetsurou graduates and gets ready for college. He wonders if he ever will see Tsukishima again.

 

The years pass, one by one, and he doesn’t.

 

Here’s how it goes: Tetsurou still thinks about Tsukishima sometimes, and wonders. He looks at his phone, two models newer from when he was in high school. He imported all his old contacts when upgrading, and then cleaned out the numbers of old friends who have drifted away onto their own paths—Yaku, Kai, Sawamura… Tsukishima. He looks at the name every time he goes through his contacts, hovers over the ‘delete contact’ button, but he never follows through.

Still the sentimental one, it seems.

Once again he finds himself staring at Tsukishima’s name on his contacts listing, running possible lines in his head.

 _So, funny thing, I just realized I never deleted you from my contacts_ _so I figured, why not call and catch up? How’ve you been?_

_Hey, what’s up? I was feeling nostalgic and I just wanted to see how you were doing…_

_I still think about you every now and then. How you’re doing, if you’re taking care of yourself… Do you ever think about me, these days? Do you even remember me? It’s been years, but I still remember you, and how happy I was whenever I got to spend time with you._

_I think I was in love with you. I think a part of me still is._

_I think a lot about what could have been, if I wasn’t so scared. Can you tell me—could there have been something? Was there ever a chance that you might have liked me back?_

_I don’t know why I’m calling. To try and start something? To try and end it? Maybe I just miss your voice._

He still doesn’t know what he’s going to say, but he presses the call button anyway.

_We’re sorry. The number you are calling is no longer in service—_

Tetsurou hangs up. Of course. He laughs a little to himself, because what else can he do? What had he been expecting?

He stares at his phone for a long minute. Then he scrolls up through his contacts and opens a text with Bokuto. Maybe they can go see that movie that just came out.

 

Tetsurou still thinks about Tsukishima sometimes.


End file.
